


Missed it

by Irimea



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: (my) thoughts on yamaguchis personality, Bc why tf not, HE JUST STOPPED ONE GUYS, M/M, also PRIDE, excessive quote use, i just wrote some stuff, idk tsukki is kind of a simp here, may or may not be shippy, reflecting on life ig, these tags are way too much fun, tsukki and I are on first name basis in this, tsukkiyama - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:16:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26992768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irimea/pseuds/Irimea
Summary: After the match against Shiratorizawa, Tsukishima goes home to rewatch the part of the match he missed out due to his injury. It causes him to reflect on the personality of his best friend.This can be read either as shippy or not, feelings are only implicit.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Kudos: 24





	Missed it

He barely took the time to take a shower, before already setting up his laptop. It was easier to find than he would have thought, online for streaming on the site of the local channel. It was a bit more difficult to handle his keyboard with his taped-up, still hurting hand, but he eventually worked it out. Kei skipped the first four sets. He didn´t need to see them again.  
He had played them.  
He jumped through the broadcast in random intervals. He couldn´t help but crinch slightly when he saw himself (from strange angles too), he grimaced at Hinatas face receives, realizing he had jumped too far, for he himself was already looming tall on the court once again. He stopped for a moment, Nishinoyas- he readily admitted that, though never outloud, heroic reliableness banned on screen for forever and moved the red cursor left again with a bit of trouble, as he had to use his non-dominant hand.  
He didn´t need to see all that. He had been there.  
He knew what he was searching for.

„I bought you some time.“  
Hinata had been sitting there stiffly, drenched in sweat and stared straight ahead at the court. Kei was antsy. He just wanted to get back on to the court already…  
Hinatas words had startled him somewhat, though he hadn´t shown it, of course. He had been thinking of what to do, so there was no snarky reply at the ready before Hinata continued:  
„Though to be honest, Yamaguchi bought way more than me.“

Kei hadn´t really registered the meaning of these words at all back then. He had been way to focused on his next steps, the trap he was going to set up-  
Now however, as it was over, as he had eaten and somewhat recovered, he found himself wondering.  
What had Yamaguchi done?  
Yamaguchi hadn´t mentioned anything to him, though to be fair, he hadn´t thought to ask him. It had been the other way around, as usual, Yamaguchi fretting about what he had done, because apparently, that had been amazing. Even Coach Ukai called him the MVP.  
He frowned. He didn´t think he had been all that great…  
What had Yamaguchi done???  
Certainly came in for more serves, that was clear, and certainly quite successful. But Kei wanted to know it more specific. More than anything, he regretted that he had not been there to witness it.  
He had never felt so much resentment towards a part of himself than his goddamn pinky finger before.  
Not even when he had been younger, puberty starting and his voice had started screeching, until it fucking finally was so kind to darken to a normal – even pretty mature – tone or when he had stared at himself in front of the mirror hating how his growth spurts seemed to hit different part of his body at different times, hating how his arms and legs were so gangly and how his body was so lanky. These had been dark moments of his life.  
He had overcome these insecurities eventually, resenting himself for being so lame.  
Lame…  
He had felt lame today once more. It was stupid and he knew that, even before Yamaguchi had called him that in the bathroom, though it had been a good reminder. He didn´t really understand his reaction himself, if he was honest.  
Why was he so irritated?

"I can´t beat Ushijima, but...I plan on stopping at least some of his spikes.“  
It had been just one.  
A lot were close though.

Normal people would freak out about just that.  
Others had freaked out about that. MVP for fucks sake.  
He had done all that he could, for real this time, finally.  
He was fairly certain, Yamaguchi thought so too, or he wouldn´t have called him stupid in the bathroom.  
"What more do you need than pride?"  
Then what was with this strange, stupid nagging he felt whenever the words "just one" echoed in his head?

"I can´t beat Ushijima, but...I plan on stopping at least some of his spikes.“  
He finally found the right moment and let the video play.  
He stared at the screen almost not blinking at all, while he watched Yamaguchi win the team a point with his serve.  
He looked confident. He looked like he belonged there.  
And he had not been there. His pinky finger pulsated with pain.  
Tch!

"I can´t beat Ushijima, but...I plan on stopping at least some of his spikes.“

Why was he so mad?  
Yamaguchi had been mad at his attempt at self-pity, not having any of it.  
"What more do you need than pride?"  
Whose pride though? His own? Or Yamaguchis pride in him?  
He remembered how he had looked at him, when he had said he would stop some spikes.  
His admiration. His hope. Not just for the match, the possibility of winning…  
His hope for Kei to finally change.  
To fight for his pride...  
Kei clenched his teeth.  
He had stopped just one.  
„Talk about lame…“  
He couldn´t deny it.  
He wasn´t irritated for not beating Ushiwaka.  
He was irritated because he had broken his promise.  
His promise to Yamaguchi.  
He felt lame. He felt like he had betrayed his friend, which was ridiculous, since that very friend had mad it clear he thought nothing less of him for it. Maybe even more than before...  
"What more do you need than pride?"  
Yeah, why wasn´t that enough?  
He watched Yamaguchi serve again, wishing there to be more camera angles and closer ones. He wasn´t able to see his face from so far and when there was a close-up, Daichi happened to walk into the camera frame while congratulating Yamaguchi. Blocking him from Keis view.  
He could only see his posture from afar, tall and strong, and the way he moved to hit the ball just the right way, in just the right direction.  
The third serve might have almost missed, hadn´t Goshiki panicked, but it hit Kei like a train instead.  
God, when had his friend become so cool?  
Or rather, more specific, when had his friend had gathered enough courage to actually live up to the coolness he had always had?  
He looked  
Kei had never understood Yamaguchi to be honest.  
Insecure, shy, ok. Somewhat understandable, though not really relatable for Kei as a kid. A bit more during the horrible puberty year. But other than that?  
He often had watched Yamaguchi being anxious, being afraid to fail, afraid to suck. He had watched him and found it never happened that way. Sure Yamaguchi was somewhat the not-outstanding-at-anything type, but many people were. He had okay looks, he had okay physical abilities, he would be an okay volleyball player with a bit more practice and he was an okay student. So Kei had often watched him in confusion at his fretting, wondering…  
What IS his problem even?  
Until someday it hit him suddenly, that Yamaguchis trouble was not because of anything he was capable of doing- or not. He himself was the only thing getting in his way. His mind was literally preventing him from acting on the potential he had and, as Kei found out eventually, Yamaguchi , on an objective, more meta-like basis was actually quite aware of that too.  
„It doesn´t matter Tsukki—I know I´ve held a thousand presentations before! It still makes me nervous!“  
Kei had forgotten when exactly that was. Yamaguchi had been fretting about it the whole day already. Kei didn´t get it.  
But look. He reasoned. Back then, he still had been trying to reason with Yamaguchi on such things. Back then, seeing another person than himself sprawled out on his bed had still been a strange sight to him. You had a good grade last time. It´s the same isn´t it? Why worry then?  
I know! It´s not that easy! Yamaguchi let his voice lengthen like a stubborn child (which he still had been back then) squeezed his eyes shut and for the first time in their friendship sounding on the verge of getting annoyed. Usually that was Kei´s job.  
He frowned over towards the lying figure. He honestly didn´t get it.  
Why not? He asked irritatedly. Why do you feel the need to worry, if you know that?  
At that, Yamaguchi sat up, staring at him with a rather strange expression.  
You never worry, Tsukki, do you? I mean, concerning yourself and others?  
Kei blinked. The words were vague as hell, but he thought he understood what his friend was hinting at. Not really no. He said and shrugged.  
Yamaguchi looked at him with wide eyes, filled with the admiration he was still so not used to, that made his face heat up slightly. There had been other children his age or younger (or even some older) who had been intimidated by his height before, but there had always been an air of „I dislike you“ on their faces and their behaviour, or so it had seemed to Kei, though his family always told him it wasn´t true, making him defensive. Yamaguchi was the first to look at him with nothing but pure amazement, as if Kei was some kind of sanctuary on display or something like that. He had never felt the need to be defensive or on guard when these shining eyes looked at him. Weirdly enough, for somehow, he thought, the way Yamaguchi looked at him made him feel more exposed and more vulnerable than any person actually bullying him could ever do.  
It kind of gave Kei the creeps.  
However, that time, there had been something else in Yamaguchis eyes too. Something like… envy? That was not uncommon either for people looking at him, but usually the envy was paired with anger and the mentioned „I dislike you“ all over the others face. But with Yamaguchi, it was something sad. There was an air of defeat, but also of longing in his face, as he regarded Kei. He sighed and shook his head slightly, more to himself than to Kei.  
Tsukki, he said. I don´t think you really understand how lucky you are.  
Kei really hadn´t then. Which was lame as fuck, and had Kei irritated at himself, allthough Yamaguchi even told him explicitly that the fact he couldn´t get it, was the reason he was so lucky to begin with.  
Somehow, it always were the things Yamaguchi didn´t mind at all, or even excused him from, that made Kei mad. Quite an odd pattern. 

He might understand a bit better now, he thought.  
He still didn´t really have any first-hand experience. Mostly because he was a too-full-of-himself asshole, but he had come to some understanding of how his friends mind would spiral from sensible concerns to utterly ridiculous, anxious desillusions.  
Kei had found himself being depended on, the person Yamaguchi would lean on for support and though he was sure he sucked ass at it, it seemed like his friend had been content, so he was too. Still, over time, he found himself wishing to see his friend get out of these boundaries he had really only set himself.  
Since they had joined Karasuno, he even had found a good (and even slightly poetic, though Kei was not a big fan of waxing poetry) metaphor on how to phrase it: he wanted to see Yamaguchi fly.  
And that´s why he sat in front of his laptop, gritting his teeth at how he had not been able to be there and finally see his friend beat himself and reach some of the potential they both knew he always had had. Yamaguchi had learned to fly, he thought when he replayed the three serves. At the summer training camp, he had been flapping his wings, testing the air and given Kei a knock on the head for good measure too, then there had been the second match against Seijoh he had jumped and now here, he had flown.  
"What more do you need than pride?"  
Yamaguchi had finally reached to the point he could step onto the court with some confidence in himself. He had found his pride.  
Kei halted the video, staring at the small figure so far away from the camera.  
He looked confident. He looked like he belonged there.  
He looked proud.  
And Kei hadn´t been there to see it.

**Author's Note:**

> I can´t believe I posted this work of garbage as my first fic here.  
> I just finished rewatching the game against Shiratorizawa and Tsukki was hot as always ;), so I ended up writing this thing, but the spirit left me in the middle somewhere and I was pretty dissatisfied with it,but when I proofread it for upload I added the whole pride stuff, so I don´t completely hate it anymore, it kinda even has a point now yay  
> It isn´t that great though.  
> Please don´t hate me, I´m new to this o.o


End file.
